Saying Goodbye
by SpuffyGal03
Summary: A SONG-FIC ABOUT BUFFY LOOSING SPIKE..PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!
1. Saying Goodbye

"Through the back window of a '59 wagon  
  
I watched my best friend Jamie slippin' further away  
  
I kept on waving 'till I couldn't see her"  
  
She closed her eyes as a slow country song turned on, on the radio. Sitting on a bed at a small, quite dirty hotel, of which she didn't know the name with her hands in her lap she contimplated what had happened. *No she thought I didn't keep waving till I couldn't see him, I ran away from it, ran away from the pain...* And of course she was right, as she always was.  
  
"And through my tears, I asked again why we couldn't stay  
  
Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain"  
  
And still she wasn't quite sure of the reason she couldn't have stayed with him. All she knew was that he was gone, and he would never come back. She'd missed out on something special, she was sure of it. Her friends were all off comforting each other, but here she was alone again....But then again she was always alone.. She convinced herself there would be others like there had been before..Time would ease her pain...And then again she remembered times where she had been wrong, and realized this may be one of those times...Her tears stained her face, as they had done so many times before, but these tears were different...  
  
"Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same"  
  
She nodded as the words gracefully flowed from the voice of Pam Tillis. Life was about changing, and he knew that..Somehow he did.. And she thought about the times in high school, college, and even after...Never did anything stay the same. But for some reason she was happy they didn't..She was happy she'd experienced all she did..The heartbreak, the laughter, the love, the betrayal and finally the loss.. It was all so different, yet so much the same...  
  
"And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?  
  
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry  
  
Come, let me hold you and I will try  
  
How can I help you to say goodbye?"  
  
And then, and only then, did she break down and cry like she wanted to. Hearing that it was Ok, comforted her. But she knew no one could help her say goodbye, to another love lost, not even pursued... She would have to do that on her own as she did so many times before... Losing this love wouldn't be a first, although everytime it happened it felt just as bad...She sighed to herself *Let go...say goodbye..*..But she couldn't..  
  
"I sat on our bed, he packed his suitcase  
  
I held a picture of our wedding day  
  
His hands were trembling, we both were crying  
  
He kissed me gently and then he quickly walked away"  
  
Ok, she thought *maybe this doesn't apply to me..* Although it still did, he had packed his suitcase, he had left before..His hands had trembled and we both cried at times... Then remembering him kissing her gently, and walking away sent shivers down her spine and she could only help but think that he knew how much she regretted everything she'd done in the past year...  
  
"Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom  
  
She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand  
  
She said, I have to go now, my time here is over  
  
And with her final word, she tried to help me understand"  
  
Holding his hands, for one moment, she held everything.. And she knew his time was over, but never did she want to let go. Something inside her made her leave.. made her turn away and run.. She replayed his bits of humour in his final words, and smiled. *Always my brave champion*, he's made her leave, she finally understood. His love for her had lead him to believing he couldn't die with her, he had to do it alone... If anything had happened to her....  
  
She heard a knock on the door, and there was a man. A man from her dreams long ago. He stepped into the room and looked seriously about... "I'm sorry..." he whispered as the words flew off his tongue. She nodded and walked to the stereo turning it up a bit... "Life's about changing, you know" she said to him and he smiled..Life had changed in just a small frame of time and they realized it...  
  
The final chorus came on and they both looked at each other..They knew nothing had changed between them, no matter how much they tried to deny it.....  
  
"And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye?  
  
It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry  
  
Come, let me hold you and I will try  
  
How can I help you to say goodbye?"  
  
He pulled her close to him and held her...He wanted to help her say goodbye..He wanted to drive away all the pain that he and others had caused in her life..And he knew tonight was as good as a night to start as any.. And they fell asleep together, wrapped in each others arms... Her Angel held her close...And she said goodbye.....  
  
"How can I help you to say goodbye?" 


	2. The Long Path

The Long Path...  
  
Disclaimer: All recognised characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy and not to me.  
  
A/N: I know not many people will read my stuff, cause lets just say I suck, but thanks to all of you who think I am actually worthwhile and read this stuff! Sorry for the lack of updating! I promise I will have a new chapter by Sunday!  
  
A red head sat alone at the bar. Her drink in hand. The label lay beside her and she picked it up looking it over for no reason at all. She was drinking her sadness away, something she wasn't known to do. Swigging the beer down she yelled to the bartender and he brought her another Rolling Rock. Gently she layed her head against the counter and choked back the tears she knew where going to come. Someone must have put some money in the jukebox for its started playing a slow song, an older slow song. But she liked the way the music sounded and found herself listening intently to the words.  
  
There are places I remember  
  
All my life, though some have changed  
  
Some for ever, not for better  
  
And some have gone, and some remained  
  
Oh there are many places she remembers. From her childhood. From her "teenage-hood". From her adult hood. But mostly from her dreams. She hadn't always lived in Sunnydale Ca. No, she was actually born somewhere in Montana, although she didn't remember much from her 2 years there. Blue flowers and fields of corn passed through her mind. She smiled sweetly and laughed a bit. Never had she thought of anywhere as her home other than Sunnydale, though. And now its gone she thought the reality that everything she'd ever known being gone was actually sinking in. The beer that poared down her throat felt like the sweetest of all nectors and she downed yet her third bottle.  
  
All these places had there moments  
  
With lovers and friends that I still can recall  
  
Some are dead and some are living  
  
In my life, I loved them all  
  
The years in high school had been the most precious times of her life. There was the times that she spent with Oz... Her mind drifted off to the loving warewolf and although the memories of him were happy as well as sad she couldn't help but smile. He was the love of her life, always would be, but she realized that not everything stayed the way they should. You grow, things happen. Thinking about all the friends she lost though brought her back to tears. First it had been Jesse, it had happened so quick. Would her life have changed if he were still with her? What is Amy wouldn't have turned into a rat? What would have happened if Tara were still alive? Her life was full of "what if's" and she knew she needn't dwell in these, for there were so many things that were great in her life. Xander was the one thought that entered her mind over and over again.  
  
But of all these friends and lovers  
  
Still no one, compares with you  
  
And these memories loose their meaning,  
  
When I think of love as something new  
  
No one would ever compare to him and she knew it. There was just something about him. He was her everything, and she knew it sounded pathetic , but it was true. And she was one to tell the truth. When friends become lovers something happens between them..usually. She was so glad it hadn't happened to her and her best friend. Though the thought had crossed her mind in the past weeks to talk to him, she didn't have the guts. Then with everything that was happening, she put her personal thoughts on hold and concentrated on being there for "the team". Maybe that was her first mistake?  
  
No I will never, ever loose affection  
  
For people and things that went before  
  
I'll often stop and think about them  
  
In my life, I loved you more  
  
Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. This was true of "her" Xander never once did she have to explain what she was feeling, he understood, he cared. He was the only friend who did so though, Buffy was into her own things most of the time. Too busy to take into concideration what Willow felt, most of the time. She understood why though. She knew she would never forget the people she had loved and lost, but she also knew she would most remember the one who had been there with her through everything. Tricking her mind into thinking that she'd loved someone else more was something she often did. Although in her heart she knew what she really felt, what she really loved. But then her mind drifted back to Oz...Could he have taken Xander's place those many years ago?  
  
I know I'll never ever loose affection  
  
For people and things that went before  
  
I'll often stop to think about them  
  
In my life, I loved you more  
  
As the song came to an end a young man with dark hair and broad shoulders walked in. He spotted the red head and walked quickly to her. Her eyes closed she felt someone clamp her shoulder..."Oz..?" she whispered. The man spoke, he wouldn't let the thought of Oz take her away again, "No..Its me..." She knew who it was and she got up facing him. He grabbed her head and tilted it back. His mouth came down upon hers and she closed her eyes again, then opened them trying to make sure it wasn't only the beer talking...  
  
It was reality and she knew it..  
  
The last line of the song played as Willow and Xander walked out the bar door, leaving the unfinished bottle of beer sitting there..  
  
In my life, I loved you more  
  
End Note: Next Chapter will be about Cordelia 


End file.
